Access

It is 9:06am on a Wednesday and I am not in my bed. What unholy twist of fate made this terrible fact come to pass? I am…*dramatic pause*…employed.

You may ask, why I am writing a blog post when I am at work. Don’t I have other things I should be doing? Like working? Long story short, no. But because this is a blog post, you shall not get the short story.

To get the basics out of the way, I now work for a contracting company—let’s call it CT—and my contract is with a large organization of the Federal Government, which I shall call HQ. (I am erring on the side of caution, as I have recently been reminded of the dangers of not editing yourself on a public blog). I was officially hired on August 1^st, I started work on the 27^th, and today is my 12th day on the job. So, again, why am I writing a blog post at 9:34am on a Wednesday morning while at work?

The really important word/concept in this absurdity is ‘access’. Funnily enough, when you are working at a government office, you need access to things—information, email accounts, resources…a building. In order to get access in the Federal world, you must meet all the conditions of security.

Step one was getting finger printed for the first time. I went to HQ and after walking through an empty door frame of security, a HQ grunt led me down into a creepy, extremely sterile basement. As I sat down on a very firm couch, I thought about what being fingerprinted would be like. And now I must admit something embarrassing. In my mental simulation of finger-printing I put the tips of my fingers on an ink pad and smudged a piece of paper with my genetically individual mark. What decade did I think I was living in? After a short wait, a surly middle aged man gruffly barked at me to come in. He took each of my fingers firmly in his hand and, one at a time, pressed my finger onto a little scanner, moving it from left to right. Apparently, I didn’t know how to do it right because for every finger he grabbed he would harshly exclaim, “Make your fingertip flat! Relax your finger! Don’t pop it up. Flat!! RELAX!” Relaxing is not the word I would use.

A few weeks later, I had to take the next step in the security process. I completed two infuriatingly complicated, for no reason, training sessions on a website that is so temperamental and obsessive compulsive that I wanted to recommend a good psychiatrist to it. After making my computer fit all of the requirements it needed to play a little video that I ended up just reading the transcript for anyway, I spent three hours of my life proving that I am not, in fact, a total idiot. And that is all I should say about that.

And then on August 27^th ‘work began’. That week I spent the first three days at the CT office and the second two at HQ. (It looks like I will be splitting my time in a similar way for the foreseeable future.) CT is a very nice place to be. I get unlimited free bottled and canned water (which I’m told is a gift in DC where the water quality is similar to that of a pond located in a third world village) and a cozy little cubicle to call my own. But, best of all, I can come into the building without a security screening. At HQ I am not so lucky.

By the first week I had access to my CT email and…and…internet explorer? However, I had no access to anything HQ related, including, the right to walk through the front door as I please. In order to bypass a daily security screening, awkward nametag, and a HQ employee escort  who takes me up three floors in an elevator, I need a HQ badge. Without it, I’m about as self-sufficient as a baby panda. I have given them my finger prints, I have completed their training, and given references to send security background check letters to (which HQ has not sent out yet because...they don't feel like it?). But I can’t go into their building or look at any of things I need to do my job, which is kind of a problem since I am supposed to take over someone else’s job at HQ in less than two weeks.

Luckily, yesterday brought with it a breakthrough. I now have remote access to HQ’s internal servers. Meaning, I now have an HQ email address and a CT one! But still no access to anything else. And the real kicker? As it is now, I can’t access the HQ system at the HQ office, but I can at CT’s office. This makes about as much sense as a superhero that can hide his heroic identity with an insubstantial pair of glasses. The reason for my ‘access’ paradox lies in the HQ badge. HQ recently set in place a system where you have to insert your badge into the keyboard in order to log on. Man, I’m telling you, once I have a HQ badge (and access to the five databases/systems/websites I’ll need for my position) it’ll be puppies and rainbows from then on.

For now I am helplessly and unproductively stuck in the mire of bureaucracy and security requirements that will eventually (i.e. probably, I hope) lead to pure unadulterated (i.e. heavily managed and specific) access to everything (i.e. the things that HQ deems I absolutely require access to) I need to be the best (i.e. moderately productive and helpful) CT/HQ employee I can be.

Let the additional paperwork begin!

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Postscript:

Sorry, for some reason this post felt fragmented. Maybe I am just too tired—haven’t got used to the new sleep schedule yet. Connections and smooth transitions are easier to make when brain power is at your disposal. I apologize.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it is 10:45 am. I have to go draw a picture of Batman riding a baby elephant now.